Posted in change, depression, stuck in a rut, Uncategorized

Time for a REVAMP!

(get it? re-VAMP…vampires….it is Halloween tomorrow…no? just me? damn…)

Image result for vampire cartoon


So it has been a long, long time since I used my blog page.

Since I last posted, my mental health has been my main focus, and by that I mean my motivation to do anything but go to work has been pretty low. I have spent waaaaaaay too much time in bed scrolling through YouTube and not achieving very much.

I recently got back from visiting my parents in sunny Spain where I also celebrated my 26th birthday. I came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to spend the majority of the 26th year of my life in bed (well 27th year if you want to get technical), so to try and stop this from happening I have been spending a lot of my time pumping myself up to get my life back on track.

There are a few bits and pieces I want to change but motivation can be hard when a bout of anxiety and depression hits, and the black hole of hiding in my room with my computer and a takeaway happens. Though I have already taken steps to try and stop this from happening (therapy and medication), anxiety and depression are just part of my life, and I know I need to not be so hard on myself when they get in the way. Having a bit more love and compassion for myself is something I am trying to input into my daily life, and it is surprisingly quite hard. I have lost count of how many times I say something negative to myself, about myself, in just one single day. I am often told that the more we tell ourselves something, the more likely we are to believe it. So less calling myself lazy or stupid or crazy and more calling myself intelligent, hardworking and friendly is definitely on the agenda.

image: defying shadows –

My overall fitness is another thing I want to improve on. I started off the year trying to change this and it was going pretty well until I had a three month period of low mood, leading to a total lack of motivation (hence the staying in bed too much). This time to try and preemptively stop myself from changing my mind about going the gym in evenings, I’m going to get up earlier and go in the mornings instead. I find that I have more motivation on weekday mornings so I’m hoping changing my gym routine to match my motivation levels will help me stick to going.  Exercise is one of the best things you can do to keep depression at bay so I’m hoping it will also help with my mood levels in general. We will have to wait and see!

Overall I am trying to create a more positive environment for myself. Though there are other aspects of my life that may also need some attention, I feel it is better

Image result for one step at a time cartoonto pick one or two things to focus on at a time so I don’t become overwhelmed and more likely to give up. To hold myself a bit more accountable I will do updates via my instagram


(if you would like to follow me


you can @valkyrie27) and the odd blog post


about it. I don’t want my blog to focus completely on fitness as I use it to express what is on my mind at the time. I am hoping to add a new blog post every week to get the creative juices flowing again. If you have anything you would like me to write about let me know in the comments.

So that is my little update for now. I hope you like the changes I made to the page and I will chat to you again soon!


Happy Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeeeen Image result for bat cartoon





Posted in Uncategorized

Happy Father’s Day

So I wanted to write something a bit more cheerful after my last few posts, but there hasn’t been a lot to be happy about in the world recently. We have had some horrible, cruel and unforgivable things happen in the last few weeks and it just didn’t feel right to write something happy. However, today is Father’s Day, a day I used to hate, but have grown to appreciate. So to celebrate the day I thought I would take the time to say a few words about my Dad.

I have had three father figures in my life. The first was of course my biological father who physically abused his wife and young daughter (I was five/six at the time). Thankfully my very brave Mother got us out of that situation. The second person was my Godfather. He never raised a hand to me, he was more of an emotional abuser. He felt because he had money he could buy our love and control us. When he realised that was not the case he flipped out and one restraining order later he was gone.

After all that I was done with Fathers. I didn’t need one, I didn’t want one and I would never trust  one. Years went by and my Mother started to date a guy she had met through a friend. Looking back, I feel bad for this person having to meet me for the first time. After everything my family had been though I became overprotective and untrusting. I wasn’t just going to let some guy swoop in and hurt my Mother and Brother like the others. I was defensive from the get go and I think he was a little afraid of me at first.  I wasn’t rude but I gave off this air of ‘you are not my Dad and if you hurt my family I will destroy you’. I got to know him after a while, bonded  with him even, but my defenses were never truly down. He moved in with us after a while. I wasn’t against it, he made my Mum happy so life continued as normal. I became a stroppy teenager which created friction in the house but nothing unusual. The one thing I couldn’t stand was him trying to discipline me. I wasn’t a bad kid, I didn’t do anything particularly bad, but I never felt it was his place to punish me. I saw him as a friend and not a parent so I would argue with him if he tried to “parent” me in any way.

One day our world got a little crazy. I wont go into details but let’s just say it would have been the perfect time for him to bail. Having two teenage kids was one thing but when this happened I would expect most guys to run a mile. He didn’t though. He stuck by the family and I honestly don’t think we would have made it though it without him. I feel like it wasn’t until that moment that I realised that this man wasn’t going to leave, or hurt us, or control us. He loved us like we were his own, and was there for us as part of our family. The sad thing is though, I couldn’t say it to him. I had built up a wall and saying that to him would mean taking it all the way down and I just wasn’t ready for that.

I went to college, my brother followed two years later and so my Mum and Stepdad moved to Spain. I would call my Mum every few days, I’d ask how he was but I never really asked to speak to him. The one thing I always did though was send him a Father’s Day card. At first I would make sure it specifically said ‘Stepdad’, I felt like calling him ‘Dad’ was too weird. I would also make sure to not sign off with ‘Love Valerie’, just ‘Valerie’. I didn’t think it was right as I had never said it to his face. Part of me wants to yell at my past self for being such and idiot.

When my depression was at its worst and I was in Jigsaw, Beethoven got me talking about him. He said it was no surprise that I was defensive after what had happened. I nodded but the more I spoke about him, the more I realised that I had nothing but nice things to say about this person. I hated how hard it was to say out loud, even to Beethoven that I loved my Stepdad. I was ashamed that for the entire time he had been in my life that I just couldn’t say it. To this day I still find it hard to say, especially to his face. I don’t know if I am afraid, or embarrassed, or I just feel too guilty for not saying it sooner. Maybe it is because he isn’t the most emotional person, so it just feels too awkward to say it out of nowhere. Whatever the reason, I just couldn’t get it out.

This year I went to visit them in Spain after finding out that they were getting married. I was so happy for them even though they were practically married already. After a few glasses of wine we got to talking about the wedding and the future and I was finally able to tell him to his face that I loved and cared about him. It was very hard to say and the bit of liquid courage definitely helped, but I was glad that I finally found the courage to say those words to him. I could tell from the look on his face how much they meant to him.

I sent him his Father’s Day card as usual this year. It said ‘Dad’ on it and I signed off with ‘Love Valerie’. I still can’t say it very often but I hope he knows that he is my Dad and that even though we don’t talk much, I don’t know what I would do without him. I am so thankful that he came into my family’s life and made us stronger. They always say you can chose your friends but you can’t chose your family. My Mother did have a choice and she couldn’t have chosen better.

Happy Father’s Day Ger and to all of the amazing Dad’s out there. I hope all of you took the time today to show them how much you love and appreciate them, because not everyone is so lucky.

Hope this wasn’t too soppy a blog post!



Posted in Uncategorized

The Mental Illness Tag

Hi everyone! Welcome to the Mental Illness Tag! I was asked to do this by the tag’s creator Becca (here is the link to her blog ) and thought it would be a good way to spread awareness. I tag anyone that feels comfortable enough to do it. If you do decide to do it, make sure you send me a link in the comments so I can see it!

Here we go!

Question 1 

What mental illness do you have? I have anxiety. I was also diagnosed with depression but thankfully that has gone away for now.

Question 2

When were you diagnosed? I was officially diagnosed in July 2015 though I was told that I have suffered from it for approx eight years.

Question 3

Who knows about it? Originally, just my family and one or two friends. Now anyone who has read my blog knows!

Question 4

Do you receive treatment for it? Thankfully at the moment; no. I was on Sertraline Bluefish when I was at my worst.

Question 5

Has your mental illness stopped you from doing anything? It did in the beginning but now it doesn’t really stop me from doing anything. I am very aware of my reactions to certain things and try to keep myself out of situations where I know I might get anxious and be at risk of an attack. On the other hand though, I have accepted that there will always be a possibility of an attack and try to push on and try new things anyway.

Question 6

Is there anything in particular that has helped you? Definitely my family and going to Jigsaw. I think my anxiety has actually brought my Mum and I closer together. I feel now more than ever that she is just a phone call away x

Question 7

Can you describe what it feels like to have your mental illness? I think this is a great question! It is hard to explain and I think it is important to point out that no two people will experience a mental illness the same way. This is the closest I can get to explaining it: Imagine your worst school day ever. You were late and got screamed at by the teacher that hates you. You forgot your homework in another class and got detention. You failed that test you had last week and have a twenty page write out. You got homework in every class. You go to detention and low and behold it is the teacher that screamed at you this morning supervising, and they wont let you do your homework. You run home but are too nauseous to eat anything. You go up to your room and sit at your desk with your four hour pile of homework plus your write out in front of you. You feel stressed about getting it all done in time, you worry about your mother having to sign your failed test. You start your maths homework but you were so distracted by your bad day that you didn’t pay attention in class and forget how to do the problem. It is the last straw and you start to panic. Your chest tightens, you get a lump in your throat, your hands start to shake and the room feels so warm that you can hardly breathe. You play out how bad tomorrow is going to be in your head and just want to cry because you can’t take it anymore. Imagine how you would feel at that moment. It is basically that feeling constantly, every day. It is not fun.

Question 8

What is a common misconception about your mental illness? That you are only looking for attention. I feel like a lot of people who come out and tell people about their issues are met with this response. Anxiety and depression are talked about a lot these days which is great, but it also means that a lot of people think it is just the ‘in thing’ at the moment. It is sad for those who are brave enough to talk about a very personal thing to be almost shamed by it.

Question 9

What do you find the most difficult to deal with? I would have to agree with Becca and say the feeling of isolation. Sometimes your mood goes so low that you think you are completely alone in the world. It is hard to remember you have people that love and care about you when your mood and self esteem hits a low point. Thankfully the people around me are good at reminding me!

Question 10 

Do you have anything else you would like to say? I know it sounds a little silly and naive but just be kind to each other. You never know what type of day someone has had or what they might be going through, so be patient with others. That rude server might have had a really bad nights sleep because they had something troubling them, that person that pushed past you on the street might be running late for an exam they spent all night studying for, the loud person on the phone on the bus might be on the phone to their daughter who they haven’t spoken to in three weeks. You never know so take a deep breath and think for a minute.

Well I hope you enjoyed this little tag! I have to admit, it got my brain thinking a lot about my own anxiety and how it affects me.

I’m going to make sure my next blog post is a little more cheerful!

Chat soon!




Posted in hopeless, Uncategorized

My Battle With Mental Health Part 3

So this is the last part of this little blog series. I have enjoyed writing about it and have been pleasantly surprised by the responses I have gotten. Thanks again for all of the support!

I think one of the greatest things about counselling or talking to a mental health professional are the things you learn about yourself. Whoever you talk to is on the outside of your life, peering into a little window and seeing glimpses of the past and present that define you, that worry you, that make you feel vulnerable and weak. On the one hand that is a scary thing to imagine, but you will be surprised by how much they see by just seeing into that window. Beethoven saw things about me that I had been too distracted to see. He reminded me of how hard my life has been from the very beginning, how I have fought every day of my life for everything I have. He listed out some of the major things that I have gone through in my twenty four years on earth and asked; if he had told me that someone else had gone through all of those things, what would I think of them?  The answer came surprisingly quickly.

‘I would think that they are a really strong person’

I was reminded that I am a fighter. I am stubborn and strong, resilient and reliable and even though I hit a low point in my life, I was still fighting. By asking for help, by going on medication, by going to Jigsaw, I was not giving up, I was still fighting. It is something I find myself still trying to say to people today.

You are not giving up or admitting defeat, you are simply changing tactics. 

Sometimes we can’t fight alone, and for someone who has always been independent, it can take a lot to trust someone enough to help you. I put my trust in my family, in my GP and in Jigsaw and they all came through for me. I wouldn’t be where I am now without their help.

I went to sessions with Beethoven for five months. Session by session I trusted him more, let a little more out and piece by piece we built my confidence up again. One of the most important lessons  I learnt though was on my first day.

Beethoven explained that I am a brunette, so if someone turned around to me and said ‘your hair is blonde’ my mind would instantly tell me that this information is false. In a lot of cases of depression, sometimes you constantly think over the negative thoughts you have about yourself.

‘I’m a bad person’, ‘Nobody cares about me’, ‘I don’t deserve to be happy’.

These thoughts, and thoughts like these are just that; thoughts. When you repeat something to yourself over and over again, your brain will start to think that these thoughts are actually facts. To this day, if I catch myself thinking something overly negative about myself, I will say in my head (or out loud) ‘this is just a thought’, because that is all it is, a thought. I am a good person, I’m not perfect,  I make mistakes just like everybody else does, but I deserve to be happy and loved. You have to train your brain to dismiss a negative thought as false, just like it can with the colour of your hair. I have brown hair is a fact. You looking in the mirror and thinking: my hair makes me look ugly, is a thought. Recognising the difference helped me so much. It might seem like a simple thing to know, but when you are in place where you are surrounded by negativity, you quickly forget the difference.

Just before Christmas last year I felt well enough to come off my medication. I have no doubt in my mind that going on the medication was the right decision, but my doctor had been right, it wasn’t something I needed forever. I had my last Jigsaw session at  the end of January this year. Beethoven listened to everything, made sure everything I wanted to talk about was talked about, and that I felt happy to try and live life without Jigsaw. He told me I could come back if I needed too and he wasn’t lying. I had what I like to call a ‘top up session’ recently just to make sure I was ok during a difficult time. The sad thing is that my depression and panic attacks could come back at any time, but Jigsaw have given me the tools I need to handle them if they do. Most importantly though, they are there if I ever need that extra bit of help.

Life can be hard at times and there is nothing wrong with asking for help. If I want anyone reading this to take anything away from these blogs it is this: It will get better. There is hope for everyone out there. Sometimes you are so surrounded by darkness it is hard to see the light but I promise you, it is there. Not all of us can find it on our own but there are people out there to help. Never give up, you are worth the fight, and you will come out the other end a much stronger person. Mental health effects all of us whether we suffer from a mental health issue ourselves, or know someone who has one. It is everyone’s responsibility to make sure everyone knows that there is no shame in it and there is help there if and when you need it.

I am lucky that I am in a much better place now as recently I have become very aware that not everyone makes it. There are so many people out there who, like me, kept everything bottled up inside. Unfortunately, not everyone gets help on time and find they can’t go on fighting anymore. If you suspect anyone you know is going through a rough time let them know you are there for them, try and encourage them to talk to someone or maybe bring it to the attention of someone the trust and feel close to. Sometimes the smallest gesture can save a life. Try to be kind to everyone you meet, you never know what a person might be going through.

Thank you once again for listening to my story. Just knowing I have helped someone by writing these blogs has made it so worth it for me. I am not ashamed to talk about this anymore so please don’t be afraid to ask me questions. I have had a few people come up to me over the last couple of weeks to ask questions, or say that this helped them and it really does put a smile on my face. I am proud of myself for doing this and no one can take that from me. My mental health journey hasn’t ended, I don’t know if it ever really will, but I know that I will get though anything else life wants to throw at me because I have people who will be there to support me.

Thanks once again.




Posted in Uncategorized

My Battle With Mental Health Part 2

Just wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone who has commented or messaged me their kind words of support. I got some messages from people I never would have expected so it just goes to show how much people can care. Well let’s continue…

When you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up…

That was the mentality I had when I walked into my first Jigsaw appointment.

My brother had convinced me to give it a try and had arranged an appointment for me. I stood at the bus station across the road and looked at the green decorations on the glass building in front of me. I had seen this building a million times, told everyone how great a service it was for young people, but the idea of walking through those doors myself terrified me. I had planned everything I was going to say carefully, gone through every question I thought they would ask. In my head it was a test that was going to label me as “crazy” or “sick” or worse, stupid for feeling the way I did.

I worked up the courage to knock on the door and go inside (mainly because I’m obsessed with being on time). The room was bright, modern and colourful, pretty much everything you would expect a young adult to like. Everyone was friendly and spoke in that gentle voice you hear when people think even a loud noise could make you fall apart. I was introduced to the counsellor who brought me into a small room with warm lighting. I was nervous, I discovered a few sessions in that I fidget with my hands when I’m nervous and I remember doing this a lot the first day. She explained what Jigsaw did and how it worked, let me fill out some forms and did a few short tests to see where my mood was. I thought I was doing well, the paperwork was a good distraction and my nerves went down slightly. However, as I went through one of the tests I realised just how low my mood was. I never expected that my depression had gotten this bad. Up until now I had been focused on my anxiety since the panic attacks were now so frequent. The counsellor and I talked, she was very good at teasing out information I didn’t even know had been weighing me down. The session felt like it was over in a matter of minutes though I had been in there for an hour. She said Jigsaw could definitely offer me help if I wanted it and put me on the waiting list for regular sessions. She apologised saying they had about a four week waiting list but that I could call any time.

I was scared that another waiting list was involved. I didn’t know how long I could last without doing something to address everything that was going on. Jigsaw didn’t forget me though. Every Wednesday around 11am I would get a call from the counsellor to check in and make sure I was ok. She would ask about my mood and my attacks and make sure I was managing them ok while I waited. She had also sent my test results to my GP (she had asked my permission first) and low and behold my GP didn’t forget me either. I had an appointment with her a few days later. She had even personally called my GP to discuss my results and to see what she thought was the best course of action. I truly felt like they had genuine concern for my well being which made me finally start listening to, and valuing what they had to say. When I met with my GP again I made the very hard decision of going on medication. She saw how nervous I was about it. I told her how much I was afraid it would change who I was or numb me completely. She told me the science of how the medication she had chosen worked, how it would help me keep the hormone dopamine (the one that causes you to feel happy) around for longer. She explained the side affects that might happen as my body got used to it, and that it was a low dose for now that would be upped when my body became accustomed to it. Most importantly though she assured me that it didn’t have to be forever.

When I got home I read the pamphlet that came with the medication over and over again. I cried that it had come to this. If I was taking medicine I must be sick right? There must be something wrong with me. I told myself that this was my depression talking, not me. I took the tablet and the world didn’t end, the sky didn’t fall and I didn’t instantly turn into a robot. I kept taking them though in the beginning I did get bad headaches. I persevered, I continued to have my phone calls once a week, the headaches went away and after about three weeks I noticed the difference. I wasn’t numb, I hadn’t changed, it is hard to explain but it felt like I was seeing clearly for the first time. It was like I could properly process all of the emotions that had been making me feel overwhelmed. I still felt sad and alone a lot but those feelings weren’t ruling my life as much, I didn’t spend most of my days feeling like I was drowning anymore. My panic attacks were still there but they wouldn’t last as long and were coming maybe once every two or three days. I started to feel a bit of hope for myself.

Around the time my medication started to kick in I got a call from Jigsaw. The voice I heard wasn’t my regular counselor’s voice though, it was a cheery man’s voice that was on the other end of the phone. He told me he had a spot for regular sessions if I was happy to have him instead of the first counsellor I had met. If I’m honest I was a little reluctant to go with a male counsellor. I found it hard to open up to men since all of the men in my life had let me down at one stage or another. I thought I should at least give it a try though and agreed to see him in two weeks time. Since I don’t want to reveal his identity I will refer to him from now on as Beethoven (inside joke).

I didn’t really know what to expect from the man with the cheery voice. I nervously walked up to the Jigsaw doors yet again and rang the bell. He was in with another person so a nice, once again soft spoken lady sat me down in the waiting area until he was ready for me. Beethoven came out with a young guy and his family laughing and joking. There was no quiet, walking on eggshell voice with him. He was a ball of friendliness and cheer that you couldn’t help but smile with. He was a lot less cautious around me then everyone else was, (including my family) and I never felt like he was pitying me. He brought me into the same room that I had been in my first day. Talking to Beethoven felt more like talking to a friend or an Uncle you really get along with. I did the tests again knowing my scores hadn’t gotten better. I was nervous handing them back, afraid of a concerned or uncomfortable look coming back from him. I got the complete opposite. He nodded once he had added up the score and smiled at me. I don’t remember his exact words but it was something along the lines of ‘well I wont lie, it isn’t a great score but I’ve seen worse‘. He laughed and the tension was gone. I couldn’t help but laugh with him. Looking back, I can’t imagine what would have happened if I had said no to Beethoven’s call.

This is getting a bit long so I’m going to stop here. Looks like I will have to make a Part 3. Again, I hope this helps anyone reading whether they are suffering from a mental illness themselves or they have someone close to them who is going through it. 

Hope everyone enjoyed the long weekend!


Posted in Uncategorized

My Battle With Mental Health Part 1


Mental Health is something that is widely accepted and supported in most parts of the world today. However,  a lot of people still feel like they have to hide it. I am one of those people. Anyone of us can become susceptible to a mental health issue, at any point of our lives, so I think it is important for people out there to know that it is ok to talk about it. There is nothing to be ashamed of and things will get better. In this, the first part of my story, I describe my time coming to terms with the fact that I suffer with a mental illness. I would be lying if I said this is an easy thing to share, it is very personal and some of you might wonder why I would even consider telling you about it. The answer is that it is something I have felt ashamed about for a long time and that has to stop. When it comes to mental illness everyone should be encouraged to talk about it because it happens to so many of us. It shouldn’t be a skeleton in the closet but it doesn’t need to be a flamboyant pink feather boa either. It is just a part of us whether it just be for a month or two or for your whole life. It doesn’t define you but things won’t get better until you accept it. By sharing my own story about mental illness I am hoping those who read this and are suffering from anxiety, depression, anger issues, whatever it might be, will realise that ignoring it won’t make it go away and there is no shame in admitting something isn’t right. There are so many people out there just waiting to support you and help you get through this. Take the first step and I promise you things will get better. Don’t suffer in silence.

In the blog Stuck In A Rut  you were told how I felt sad about my lack of achievement in life, how my life plans were going no where and how it was getting me down. Reading back over it I got fixated on a line I had used in the start of the second paragraph ‘I don’t think I would go as far as to say I was suffering from depression‘. The minute I had admitted that I had felt sad, I felt I had to quickly get rid of anyone potentially labeling it with something that could mean something as serious as depression. That ladies and gentleman, has been my life for the last 24 years.

From a young age I have been hiding or minimizing any negative feeling I have felt. I remember a friend of mine in secondary school telling me that if I kept worrying about everyone else’s problems and bottling up my own, one day I would just explode. Oh how right he was. As the years went on, more and more feelings and problems were stuffed into my bottle. My troubled childhood, my break ups, my fears of failure, disappointing people and being unwanted and alone slowly made the bottle reach capacity. Some days it would try to spill out in the form of a panic attack which I would make sure no one would see, and quickly try and make the bottle close again. That bottle was a ticking time bomb and just as my friend had warned me, it exploded.

At the beginning of last Summer an event that I won’t go into was my mind’s last straw. My bottle completely shattered and there was nowhere for me to hide. All the things that I hadn’t dealt with throughout the years were staring me in the face and all I could see was a deep, black hole trying to swallow me up. Before this I would have a panic attack once a year at most. I didn’t even say I had anxiety because I had grown up with family who suffered from it so much worse than me, how could my little panic attacks compare to theirs? Now my panic attacks were happening one or two times a day, sometimes lasting for hours. I would sit on my bed and stare at the floor just in front of my wardrobe shaking and sobbing, telling myself it would be ok. Things weren’t ok though, and as the weeks went on I did something I never do – I asked for help. It started with a phone call. I was having a particularly bad attack and I couldn’t get it to shift so I dialed the number and my mother’s cheery voice answered, always happy to get a call from me. I told her everything and she cried like she knew that this day had been coming. She convinced me that I needed help and I booked an appointment with my GP.

It was the toughest appointment I have ever gone to. At the time I felt like going to the doctor about this was me admitting defeat. I had fought for so long that it felt like admitting something was wrong was admitting I was weak. I was the strong, reliant, responsible one, how could people still think that if they saw me like this? I promised myself that I would stay strong in the appointment, maybe the doctor would say I’m just going through a tough time and I will get over it, maybe she would be right. I walked in and the tears came as the second sentence came out. A girl who hates showing any sort of weakness in front of anybody (especially in the form of crying) was balling her eyes out in front of a semi-stranger. I had seen this doctor maybe six times over the last couple of years due to various different illnesses, but what I hadn’t counted on was the fact she had actually been paying attention to me. She had noticed my stubbornness in admitting anything was wrong, minimizing everything I came into her with and how much I valued other people’s opinion of me. She handed me some tissues and reminded me I had already taken the first step to getting better because I was sitting in the chair next to her, telling her something was wrong. She then took a deep breath and looked at me knowing I had been dreading hearing the next words that came out of her mouth for a long time:

‘You have anxiety and depression’

I couldn’t say anything, I just nodded in acceptance. I had lost the battle, the official diagnosis was the sword in the heart.

She listened to a brief outline of my life and said she suspected I had been suffering with anxiety for about 8-10 years and that bouts of depression would come along when my anxiety was at its worst. She asked why I had never come forward with it before. I told her about my family and how bad their anxiety was. To me, mine were just small attacks that didn’t matter. She grabbed my hand and made me look her in the eye. She said in an almost frustrated voice ‘There is no just about any of this. You need to get that idea out of your head. You are as important as everyone else, your problems aren’t smaller or less important and you are worth helping

I still cry every time I think of that moment and how much I needed to hear those words.

I was adamant I wasn’t going on medication. She respected my wishes despite her feeling it was the best option and we agreed I would go to counselling. She put me on the waiting list for the free HSE counselling but said she would prefer it if I attended something sooner as the waiting lists were quite long. She mentioned Jigsaw which I outright refused. My brother was heavily involved with the organisation and I didn’t want him knowing how bad I was. She explained that he wouldn’t have access to any information but I still felt too uncomfortable about him being involved. She again respected my wishes and said to come back if anything got too much while I waited.

About a week past, I was having regular attacks but handling them as best I could. Then one Saturday morning I was in the my room and the crashing wave of a huge attack hit me. Ten minutes past, twenty minutes past, an hour past and I couldn’t get it under control. I had never felt so worthless and pathetic in all my life. I was shaking so violently that I could barely pick up my phone to call my mother. She didn’t answer at first, no one I called would answer and the feeling of being alone and no one caring made the attack worse. Two hours past and it hadn’t let up. I tried folding some clothes to distract my mind but my hands were just too shaky. A few minutes later and my Mum answer the phone. I told her about the attack, I think the shakiness in my voice frightened her (Sorry Mum) and she called my brother to come and check on me. He picked me up with his friend and took me to the beach, water had always had a way of calming me. It was a surprisingly warm and sunny day and I started to feel better being outside in the fresh air. We went to the local arcade and got crappy prizes with the tickets we won. The prize I got was a silver angel with the word ‘loyalty’ written on its banner. It still hangs on my bedroom wall to this day.

I was still a little shaky for the rest of the day but eventually I felt well enough to go home. I rang my Mum to let her know I was ok and that my brother had done a good job distracting me. Just like the doctor had, she took a deep breath and told me I couldn’t wait, I needed help now. I nodded my head though she couldn’t see it and said ‘I know Mum, you are right’. I don’t think it was until that day that I really understood how bad I was and that this battle wasn’t lost, I just couldn’t win it alone.

I will put Part 2 up in the next day or two. If you have any questions though don’t be afraid to ask. Not going to lie this feels super awkward to put online but I guess it is good to go outside your comfort zone everyone once in a while…….right? Well we will see I guess!

If you feel like you are suffering from any form of mental health issue I strongly encourage you to contact your GP. I will also leave some links to some great organisations below. 





Posted in Uncategorized

My Thoughts On The Burke Campaigns


* Writer’s Note:  I’m sorry I haven’t written a blog in a while but I have been busy with moving to a new apartment over the last week, plus I was a bit under the weather the week before. Weekly blogs are back on now! It was very nice of people to actually ask when my next blog was going to be out. It made me really happy to know that you enjoy reading them and I will try my best not to leave again! *

People who live outside of Galway are probably wondering what the Burke Campaigns are so I will quickly do a brief explanation.

The Burke’s are a family from Castlebar who are known for their campaigns against Gay Marriage, where they quote Leviticus, and claim that the gay community invented AIDS. They are made up of Martina and Sean Burke, and their ten children, all of whom have biblical names. The parents of the family run the website Campaign for Conscience where they post articles on issues such as abortion and Christian values.  They have been part of daily conversation in Galway recently as two of the Burke children who attend NUI Galway have been running for positions on the NUIG Students Union. Enoch Burke who is the part of the Christian Union Society, has been running for Equality Officer. His younger brother and Auditor of the College’s Life Society, has been running for Post-Graduate Officer.

Enoch Burke running for Equality Officer in my eyes is a complete and utter joke. If it had been any other position such as his brother going for Post-Graduate Officer, I would have no problem with it, but someone who is well known for being anti gay simply can not even be considered for a position like this. What if a gay person came to him because he/she had been attacked because of their sexuality? Would he have just turned them away claiming it was their own fault? If he saw someone on the campus being verbally abused because they were gay would he just walk by like it was nothing? Would he join in? The Equality Officer position means you work to make sure everyone is being treated equally no matter what the colour of their skin is, what religion they follow, or what their sexual orientation is. Someone who opposes gay people simply can not be allowed to hold this position.

NUIG held a Gay Marriage Referendum last week. In the weeks before hand, both sides were campaigning for people to either vote Yes or No. The Christian Union Society and the Burke family of course were campaigning for a No Vote. Though I don’t agree with their views, I do admit that they had every right to do so. If they were simply expressing their views peacefully and fairly then I would have no problem with them doing so, even though I believe they are wrong. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. However what I strongly disagree with are the Christian Union’s posters in which they say ‘To permit couples of the same gender to avail of marriage is to change this definition. Once altered in part, the entire definition is then subject to change. For example, the NAMBLA group (USA) are now lobbying for marriage status for pedophilic men-boy relationships.’ They basically compare being gay to being a pedophile. In my opinion that is completely outrageous and bordering on a hate crime. Gay marriage is the legal joining of two consenting men or two consenting females who love each other for the rest of their lives. Pedophilic marriage is the legal joining of an adult who is sexually molesting an underaged person. Those two are completely separate issues both legally and morally. The idea of comparing the two on any level is completely uncalled for, offensive and down right disgusting.

Photo: The Christian Union Society. As marriage  equality means paedophile marriages.

Photo taken by Cian Moran of NUIG Christain Union  Anti Gay Marriage Poster.  

On Wednesday the 12th of March, the Burke family started a campaign stand beside Smokies Cafe to promote pro-life and to oppose gay marriage. Once again, that is perfectly fine as they have the right to do so. Of course this upset many people around the campus who were already upset over the statements on the Christian Union Posters. A similar protest started around the Burke’s stand where people held a sit in and held up ‘Love, Don’t Hate’ Posters. These people also had the complete right to do so. Things got heated however when the Burkes claimed that someone “trashed” their stall, though many have said that a few of their flyers had simply been pushed around. Crowds started to gather and the Gardai had to be called to keep the situation under control. Sean Burke, the father of Enoch and the other Burke children, arrived on the scene and apparently started shouting at anyone who challenged his views on gay marriage. The students fought back to the Burke’s claims and many videos of this can be found of this online. For this part of the protest, I am very proud of the students of NUIG who stood up for what they believed in. They kept their protest peaceful and showed great unity on behalf of not on the colleges’ gay and lesbian community, but the entire country’s. I certainly hope their protest shows the government during this very delicate time, that gay marriage is something that we are willing to fight for.

Though I am still proud of everyones protest, there is one part of it I wished had been left out. Everyone started to encourage male and female students, some of which were complete strangers to each other to start kissing in front of the Burkes. They also held mock gay marriages, again some of the “couples” being complete strangers to each other. Though I understand that this was an effort on behalf of the students to show their support for gay couples I think this was a bit much. I personally felt that the mock marriages were making a mockery out of the idea of marriage. To have strangers “marry” each other shows a lack of respect for the idea of marriage, Marriage is something to take seriously and if gay people want the right to marry then showing the respect and seriousness it deserves is something that people need to show. Why would people fight for a couple to marry if they don’t take it seriously?

The Burkes left the building at 6.30 to the sound of an applauding crowd. As someone who believes that marriage is something every consenting adult has the right to, the pride I felt for the students of my old university is something I will hold on to for many years. The Catholic Church has had a strong grasp on this country for a long time, but it is events such as this that shows that we are slowly changing for the better and becoming more open minded, loving and tolerant of our fellow human being. Everyone has the right to love and be loved no matter what anyone says. If you are a man that loves a man, a woman that loves a woman, a man that loves a woman, or a woman that loves a man, their is no difference. Love is love and is worth fighting for. As long as the two people are making each other happy then there is no problem in my eyes. So well done NUIG, you certainly deserve a pat on the back for standing up for your fellow students. I hope you are all able to continue to spread your message of love and tolerance to the rest of the world.


Posted in Uncategorized

Stuck In A Rut


So today’s blog is going to be a bit of a moan on my part. Usually I don’t like to write about my personal life but I know a lot of people are in a similar position, so I thought somewhere out there, someone might like to know that they aren’t the only one who feels like they are going nowhere. It is ok to feel down about it, just because you aren’t in a life or death situation doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to feel sad.  So without further ado, here is my moan about life.

So over the past year or so I have been feeling a bit unhappy. I don’t think I would go as far as to say I was suffering from depression, but it’s still not a nice feeling and it often gets me down. If I was to pinpoint when it started I would probably say a few months after I finished college. Like a lot of us out there I found getting a job next to impossible. The country is in a bad place at the moment and unfortunately that means post-graduate grants have been taken away or reduced severely, and jobs are hard to come by. My friends will tell you that I’m a very organised person, I plan everything to the smallest detail and if something goes wrong, well I wont be a happy lass. The same goes for my life. I was one of those rare secondary school students that actually knew what she wanted to do. My plan was very simple: Get into NUIG, Study English and Classics, Get a 2:1 Degree, Get into the teaching HDip, Qualify as a secondary school teacher, Get a teaching job. That was my plan and for a long time everything was going fine. Then the good old recession hit. Not only did they take away the post-graduate grants, (without which I couldn’t even fathom continuing 3rd Level education) but teachers were being let go left and right. Suddenly my life plan was a pile of ashes.

How did this make me feel? Well at first I was angry. I had worked hard to get into university. I had taken a job as a waitress at sixteen just so I could pay for extra expenses like levy fees and books myself. I hadn’t taken a single penny from any of my family for university, I had worked, gotten good grades and now my degree was no better than a piece of toilet paper. I felt so cheated and furious that my hard work had been for nothing. However I knew that being angry wouldn’t fix anything, I had to make a new plan with what I had and so, like so many others, I joined the dole que.

Now people on the dole get a lot of bad press. People seem to assume that we enjoy queuing up in front of the world for the free money that the tax payers are give us. Well let me tell you, the majority of us despise it. Queuing up for the dole every month is absolutely humiliating, sometimes it hardly seems worth it for the amount of money we get. For over a year I couldn’t find work. I had to que up every month outside the dole office hoping that no one I knew could see me. I had to live off E100 a week, barley leaving me with enough money for food when rent and bills were taken away, all the while my degree was gathering dust. I sent out CV’s to every job I felt I could do, went to the countless seminars that the government thought could help me, but nothing was happening. I was living life without a plan, without any real kind of security and I hated every second of it.

Then last Summer I decided I had had enough. Sitting at home being ashamed of myself wasn’t getting me anywhere. I had to find something I could focus on that could make me feel like I had some self-worth. I signed up for a creative writing class in September last year. Luckily, at the same time I was head hunted for a sales job with a printing company. Though I didn’t see myself as a sales woman, a job was a job and so I rushed to take it. Suddenly my life had meaning again, it wasn’t what I had wanted but it was something. My boyfriend and I also decided that we wanted to move in together so we started looking for places to live. Everything was on the up and I noticed myself start to become happy again.

However it didn’t last very long. The creative writing class gave me a new-found confidence in my writing but it ended in December. I vowed to keep up my writing, hence I started this blog. The job started to get to me though. I loved the administration side of the job but the telesales was just not for me. I was nervous at the thought of “cold calling” from the beginning, and now, five months on it hasn’t gotten any better. The pressure of a sales job is just too much but at the same time, letting a job go no matter how unhappy I am at it, seems wrong to me. I fought with the thought of leaving for a long time, trying to see if I could get used to the sales aspect, thinking that maybe I just needed time. Unfortunately no progress has been made. Finding an apartment has also been a hectic and disappointing time, though I’m still holding out hope for that one.

So I’m back to feeling lost and stuck again, like I have no hope of ever doing something that I truly enjoy. Living life without a plan for someone like me is terrifying, and it hasn’t gotten any easier. I still want to be a teacher but right now there is just no point in trying. Even if I was able to get the degree, the chance of getting a job are slim. People have suggested that I go abroad, maybe to Scotland to try to get my degree there and then find a job. Though that may be a good idea it would mean leaving behind the one part of my life that has consistently brought me joy, the one thing I could never leave, my boyfriend. He has been there for me through all of this and I don’t think I could live without him. He has been a constant support to me and has a four-year PhD in NUIG, so I wouldn’t dream of going without him. I also have a lot of good friends in Galway and since I have only recently started to improve my friendships with people, I think packing up and leaving would make me feel more lost and alone than ever.

So where do I go from here? I wish I knew. All I can really do is keep trying. Keeping looking for that apartment, keep looking for a job that makes me happy, and maybe one day if I’m lucky, I might get to go back to university and become a teacher. Right now I’m just trying to live each day at a time and enjoy the few things I have in my life that keep me going. If it wasn’t for my boyfriend, my brother, my friends and my family, I really don’t know where I would be. The simple joys that they give me are what inspire me to keep trying at life no matter how hard it keeps knocking me down. Being around people you care about can be hard when you are unhappy with yourself, but I am trying to push past that and focus on the good being with others can bring. I am stuck in a rut but I will continue to keep clawing out of it until it kills me.


Posted in Uncategorized

The Blame Game


*The following opinions are completely my own*

So by now I’m sure everyone has heard of the popular drinking game ‘Neknomination’. It has been trending on Facebook in the past few weeks, and has been all over the news in light of the tragic deaths of Ross Cummins and Jonny Byrne. Since the untimely deaths of the young Irish boys, people have taken to various social media outlets blaming the Neknomination game for the two boys tragic deaths. The game involves someone being tagged/nominated to post a video of themselves downing a pint of beer, or other form of alcohol, within 24 hours of being neknominated. When they have completed this they then nominate two or more of their friends to do the same.

Now I am in no way going to say that the deaths of these two young men are not the tragedy that they are. Both were popular guys with loving families and bright futures ahead of them. They did however make a very silly mistake that ended up costing them their lives. The Neknomination tag is just another game that promotes binge drinking. It is a silly concept that makes it look like alcohol has no consequences. However, Nekominations are no different to any other drinking game. No one is forced to accept the challenge, they can very simply ignore the tag or say no to it. I don’t promote Neknominations in any way, but at the same time I don’t think it is fair to entirely blame the tag for what young people are doing. Binge drinking is a problem, it has been for a long time but Neknominations if taken off the internet, will just be replaced by something similar.

At the end of the day people make their own choices. If a person chooses to accept a Neknomination tag and is silly enough to down a pint of beer, whiskey or vodka then that is their own choice, and they must accept the consequences of their actions. Unfortunately for Ross and Jonnny, the consequence was the early ending of their lives. It was their decision, no one elses to do what they did. It is the harsh reality of the situation and may be hard to hear, but in the end the two young men made the decision to drink irresponsibly. I am in no way saying they deserved to die, what happened to them was a tragedy that has shaken the country. They made a mistake and my heart goes out to their friends and family. However we must realise that the Neknomination tag was not solely responsible.

Alcohol is fun if consumed responsibly, people seem to be forgetting that fact. Not everyone enjoys it but for those who do it is not a crime to drink. One beer will very rarely do anyone any harm. The Neknomination game was most likely created in light of this fact. It never set out to harm anyone, it was simply created as an optional fun thing to do. It doesn’t tell people to jump off a bridge, it doesn’t tell people to drink so much that they become seriously ill, it simply says to chug down a pint of beer or your alcohol of choice and film it. It has been put out there as a game and if you don’t want to play then no one is going to force you to take part.

I know people are going around saying that peer pressure forces people into playing the game. Yes, that may be a factor into why people play the game, but we having been teaching our children for years that in life, you make your own choices and deal with the good and the bad that comes with them. Some people will bend to peer pressure in an effort to fit in, we all do it sometimes, but we should all have the ability to know what can harm us. Throwing up our food to be skinnier will harm us, taking heroin to be “cool” will harm us, downing a pint of vodka will harm us and jumping from a bridge will harm us. Everyone goes through these choices knowing what could potentially go wrong, and so they must decide if the consequences are worth it. Now I don’t think Jonny Byrne knew that in his drunken state, he would jump off a bridge and drown, but I believe he knew what he was doing could seriously harm him. He probably thought that the worst that could happen was he would need his stomach pumped or would get a cold from being in he cold water. Jonny couldn’t possibly have foreseen this and neither could the person that neknominated him, or the creators of the tag. Fun things can turn out to have terrible consequences that no one even considered. Blaming Neknominations for the deaths of these two young men however wont bring them back and it wont stop people from making similar mistakes.

If it happened to someone I loved, of course I would be angry and upset, and want to have someone to take the blame. However I know that Neknominations doesn’t force people to take part, it doesn’t set out to hurt people and it doesn’t control the decisions people make. It was simply the catalyst that unknowingly led to the tragic deaths of two young boys who were just trying to have fun but took it too far. They unfortunately made a fatal mistake. Everyone makes mistakes but most of the time we get to stick around to fix them.

Binge drinking shouldn’t be encouraged but Neknomonations are just a very small part of the problem. Our culture makes it look like something to be proud of and that, is what is truly to blame. Our mindsets need to change before more tragedies like this happen. Thousands of people have died because of binge drinking and they will keep dying until society sees binge drinking as something to be ashamed of instead of cool. Alcohol is something that should be enjoyed responsibly but it is knowledge that will help us achieve that. So go out tonight and have a beer with your friends, but when you start going for your fourth or fifth just remember the choice you are making.

RIP Jonny Byrne and Ross Cummins. Your lives were tragically cut short but you friends and family will make sure you are never forgotten. 


Posted in Uncategorized

How To Save Money: Six Tips To Help Your Bank Balance

Tips for Saving Money

So Christmas and New Year have left cobwebs in our wallets. Have you noticed yourself getting overly excited about finding a euro coin in you jeans pocket? Do ESB and Internet bills send shivers down your spine? Do you fear the end of the month when the landlord comes knocking? Never fear! Using my years of experience being poor, I have come up with a few pointers on how to save money so that your bank balance can start its road to recovery!

Step One: Bargain Websites/Facebbok Pages

So your landlord is coming in two weeks and your 50 euro short on rent, what do you do? Well I bet you have a load of old clothes/unwanted Christmas presents that you were planning on letting hibernate at the back of your wardrobe. Solution: Sell them! The internet is full of bargain websites and facebook pages where people can sell their unwanted items. Not only will you get some money but it will also help you clear out your unwanted stuff. Make sure it is a safe website though and you trust the person you are selling to. If you live in Galway I recommend the ‘Galway Official Online Jumble Sale’ facebook page. Link below!

Step Two: Smart Shopping

So the weekly food shop is leaving you strapped for cash. It might be time to rethink the way you buy your food. Start shopping in cheaper stores such as Aldi or Lidl, especially for your fresh fruit and veg. Buy off brand products that taste the same but cost much less. (I got off brand Bran Flakes for three euro cheaper yesterday!) Also look out for reduced sections in supermarkets. Many will be selling food that is close to their sell by date a lot cheaper than usual. It is a great way to bag a bargain!

Step Three: Buy Less, Cook More!

We are all tempted to go out for lunch every day when we are at work or college, but at the end of the day, it lands up costing us a small fortune. It is a lot cheaper to cook for yourself and bring meals with you than to spend up to ten euros a day on lunch. Make large dishes like Cottage Pie or Lasagne that you can split into portions and freeze. Most work places and colleges will have microwaves that you can use for free to heat them up. If not you can always prepare a salad or sandwich the night before to take with you. If you are too tired to cook when you get home most evenings, then prepare meals you can freeze at the weekend so you can just pop your dinner in the microwave or oven when you get home. 

Step Four: Stop Spending!

At the end of the day it is very simple: you will save money if you don’t spend it. If you have trouble with this there are a few ways to break the habit. First of all don’t take too much cash with you when you are in town with friends. Set yourself a limit and only carry that amount with you. If you are tempted by the ATM, know which ones will give you ten euro notes so you can avoid withdrawing large amounts. Also get into the mind set of saving your two euro coins. Have a piggy bank (preferably one that you cant get into without breaking it) and put all the two euro coins you come by into it. You will be surprised how much money you will gather from this simple trick! 

Step Five: Bring The Party To You!

Going out drinking and partying can be fun, but if it is done too much your money wont be around for long. Start inviting friends over for movie/game nights instead. If you still want to party then party at home! Alcohol will be a lot cheaper if you are splitting a bottle with a friend instead of paying around 5 euro per drink in a club. Watch out for the noise level though as you don’t want to annoy sleeping room mates or neighbors!

Step Six: Get The Electric Bill Down.

Electric bills can be the scariest thing to come through the letter box, so getting it as low as possible is a must. Here are a few things you can do to save electricity! If you only need hot water for a few dishes then boil the kettle instead of turning on the immersion. Take out the plugs and switch off the sockets you aren’t using. Make sure electrical items aren’t left on standby. Turn off the TV if no one is watching it. Dry your clothes on a clothes horse/washing line instead of tumble drying them. Don’t leave the immersion on for hours! Only leave it on for the amount of time it takes to heat the water you need. Don’t have the heating on when no one is in the house. Make sure you have energy saving light bulbs. If your immersion tank isn’t insulated than ask your landlord to insulate it for you. It will keep the heat in the tank for longer. 

So those are my handy tips on how to save money this year. I hope they help you save some money so you can treat yourself every now and then! I had a few more but I might save them for a future blog post. If you have any money saving ideas then let me know. I’d love to hear them!


So long for now!